did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
