Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
