She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
