i don't like sucking hair
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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