My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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