just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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