You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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