dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I just put wine in my tea
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize