I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
