I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
