They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
