i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
