I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Shame is for Republicans.
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