my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also, beer. Big fan.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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