Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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