This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
