You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
