he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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