Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
