Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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