i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize