Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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