I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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