I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
