He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
