I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
