so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
