Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
