So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
