If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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