Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
