Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
