the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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