idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
