FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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