I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
