Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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