i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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