The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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