True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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