I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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