Yo dont text me then not text me
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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