i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
