Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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