Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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