You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
