I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
this hospital has no fireball
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize