I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
