she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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