Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
