3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
