Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
