Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I love having hate sex.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
