Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize