I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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