I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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