so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
