Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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