everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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