just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
