You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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