I can't breathe out the right side of my face
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
