Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
