shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
