I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
