I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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